expletive, prose, short story, writing

A story about fucking.

Did I ever tell you about Angus ?
Angus was a guy I met during a bus trip. I hopped on a bus crossing the entire island going all the way from North to South, and just sat randomly next to a guy. I was in for a six hour trip before the next stop, and I already felt restless. He was listening to his iPod, music blasting from his earbuds. I gave him a quick tap with the elbow.
‘Say, you mind turning down the volume a bit ?’
‘Sorry mate but Motorhead has to be loud. That’s the rule.’
That is how it started really. Motorhead. I asked for his name, said mine in return and we spent the next five hours talking about music; about what had happened to rock’n’roll. I’m talking about the real rock’n’roll here, not this bullshit you hear on the radio today. I’m not even sure people listen to the radio anymore anyway.
I can tell you right away, he knew his fair share about music but man did he lack in knowledge about everything else. Angus was of this kind of people I’m sure you’ve already met, or possibly are. Always happy and positive and smiling, even when life itself is taking him from behind. I remember the first thing that crossed my mind about him; I thought, man, this guy seems like he has a great heart. And he did. But just like most people like him, he got all the troubles for it. After our first stop, we went to stretch our legs and have a coffee in that sort of cabana that was serving as a gas station. Angus got on the phone for most of the stop, and he was acting a little bit weirdly. I’m not really one to read much into people behaviors, probably because I don’t really care, but something seemed off when we got back on the bus. It took some time but he eventually got to telling me. You see Angus was going out with this – supposedly – beautiful girl, and she was calling him every other goddamn minute to ask him where he was and what he was doing. I’ve got to admit that I didn’t really see where the problem was in all that, and that’s exactly what I told him.
‘So you’ve got yourself a pretty nice lady, what’s the matter with that?’
‘You don’t get it, because you haven’t met her…’
‘Well if that’s really a problem just invite me over when we get there !’
That is how it got worse really. You see I wasn’t really planning on taking a field trip. Not that I had any schedule to respect or anything, but I’m a creature of habits so whenever my routine is up in the air, I cringe. But Angus ended up inviting me anyway, and I accepted. The plan was that I would come home with him, and he would introduce me to his old lady pretexting that my flight got cancelled and that I got nowhere to go. It’s weird to realize that I barely knew the guy, but it really felt like I had known him all my life. Did that ever happened to you ?
We arrived at Angus’ place late in the evening, and as soon as he opened the door I heard her voice.
‘About time you got your skinny fat ass here !’
‘Kitten I brought a friend.’ I think I saw his face blushing for a moment.
She came with a very heavy and determined step, and stood face to face with me.
‘Who’s that? Why’s he here?’ She was looking at me, but not adressing me, which felt very odd.
‘Hi my name’s…’
‘I’m not talking to you. ‘M’talking to him’ she said pointing at Angus.
‘Well he’s my friend, I met him on the bus and he missed his plane and he’s got nowhere else to go for the night so …’
‘You told him to stay the night ?’
‘Yes… I did.’
She turned her back to me and left as loudly as she arrived. I usually don’t care about couples around me but boy this one was something special. I still wonder how I managed to remain silent, I’m getting old and wise I guess. So I looked at Angus who was already in motion. He moved to the other room where the dragon went, and they argued for a little while. I sat down on the stained sofa, and waited for the storm to pass. I had had my share of terrible relationships, mostly because I was a jerk, but I never found myself in that predicament. I mean from the looks of it, she was obviously bossing him around, and I could now understand why he wasn’t thrilled when she was calling him. Angus came back and told me with a weak smile that we would go out and have a drink in a short while; he just had to clean and tidy the bedroom as he had forgotten to do it before he left. I waited some more, and I was really starting to wonder what I got myself into this time. Their place looked nice, and Angus certainly was the rock’n’roll fan that he claimed to be. I could see hundred of CDs and a great collection of vinyls that I was highly tempted to steal. He had some books as well, mostly biographies about guys like Tom Petty or Warren Zevon. He was kind of an old school guy, and I was now convinced that he wasn’t the tough one in that relationship. I mean serioulsy, a guy who listens to Tom Petty cannot be a pain in the ass. That is simply impossible.
So out we went, and we found ourselves sitting in a very large pub. I’m not even sure I should call that place a pub, it looked more like a warehouse than anything else. To my great despair, Angus left to grab all of our drinks, and I was left with his old lady, whose name I didn’t even know yet.
‘Say, I’m sorry but I didn’t really get your name in that confusion. Sorry ’bout that by the way. Really nice of you to let me spend the night.’
She didn’t bother to answer. She was looking at me with a very fierce look, and I thought for a second that she was about to bite me. Literally.
‘Well you know politeness would have you answer me something here …’ the nice approach was not really working, a man’s got to try, right ?
‘Fuck you.’ There you go.
‘Well, that’s a start. At last something we can build on. What are you so pissed about lady ? It’s not like I’m a goddamn girl trying to get in your dear hubbie’s pants.’
‘I know the kind of people you are. I hate you.’
‘Women usually wait until the second date to say that to me you know …’
‘You’re going to run around and parasite his head with all your bullshit. Cracking jokes, drinking beers and getting laid huh? Is that your motto?’
‘Close. Beer’s not the only thing I drink to tell you the truth.’
Did I ever tell you that I was a moron ? Like really, you probably have never met a biggest jerk in your life.
‘Look, sorry. We got off on the wrong foot really. I have a temper and I really don’t think sometimes …’
‘Sometimes ?’
‘Touché. So, are we good ? Can I ask your name again ?’
‘Morven.’
Just as Morven sighed, Angus came back with the drinks. There was a loud silence for a while, both of them were looking at me with different expressions. I was really starting to feel as if they were expecting me to help them in a way. I mean Angus had this very anxious look on his face, and Morven was just staring hard. If she could have had machine guns in her eyes, I would probably be good fabric for a sewing course right about now. The pressure was too strong so I excused myself to take a piss. I could hear them argue again as I was leaving the table. I did my thing, washed my hands, and looked at my reflexion in the mirror. What am I doing with my life ? It’s probably what poor Angus should have asked himself if you want to know what I think? He’s spending his time with this girl, and that doesn’t seem to make him happy at all. I mean, she is good looking but, should that be the only reason for a guy to stay with a girl ? Argh. Sometimes it’s hard for guys to think with their brains. Well sometimes it’s hard for guys to actually think, period. But hey, I’m not one to judge. I just hope he manages to get her in bed and have as much fun as he gets yelled at the rest of the time.
I made my way back to the table. Angus tried to initiate a little bit of a conversation but it didn’t really take. So we downed our drinks, and went back to their place. Angus fixed me the couch while Morven was doing something, probably nothing, in their room.
‘You’re a nice guy. It’s been a while I haven’t had myself a friend to drink with. Feels good.’
‘Thanks buddy. For the couch also.’
‘Ah don’t mention it.’
He winked, and headed towards their room. One detail I should probably mention here : wherever I am, I always always always sleep naked. I simply hate having something on when I’m in bed. So I undressed, and got in the made up bed. To tell you the truth, it was more feeling like a torture device, but anything does the job when you’re exhausted. It had been a long life. So the next thing I know is that I woke up in the middle of the night, wanting to take another piss – that’s the thing with beers; you drink one, you piss two. I managed to make my way to the restroom without turning the light on, do my thing and wash my hands. And just as I opened the door, I got face to face with Morven, who apparently had had too many beers as well. I smiled like a retard – not realizing that I’m actually naked – while she simply kept on staring, and managed to make it to the couch where I just crawled, belly up.
That’s how it ended really. Well, okay, not really. So after she had done her thing, Morven came out of the bathroom. She probably turned the light on but I honestly don’t remember it. She went back towards her room, checked on Angus to make sure he was sleeping. He was actually snoring, that I remember. She closed the door, and came back around the couch. I was passed out there, belly up, all exposed. I remember that I was dreaming about that nice blonde girl I had seen the week before, and we were very intimate. I don’t have vivid dreams like that very often so I’m really sad when it happens and I suddenly wake up. But this time I can say that sad, wasn’t really the word.
‘What the…’
‘Shut up.’
‘What’s happening ? Who you?’
‘Shut up, and fuck me.’ I wasn’t even dating her and she was bossing me around.
We did it silently that night. Several times. And Angus never realized a damn thing. He took me to the station the next morning, all smiles, and even offered me a coffee. I fucked his girl while he was sleeping next door, and he offered me a coffee. I still can’t believe it.
You see, there’s a reason why I’m telling you this. You might be sitting on your ass, bored, yawning and wondering why you read all this nonsense, probably thinking that every ounce of this is bullshit. Believe it or not, it’s true. And whether or not Angus and Morven do exist, that’s beside the point. There are tons of people like Angus and Morven. And as painful as it is to say that, there are probably tons of people like me. You just never really know who you can trust. And you shouldn’t really. People like Angus, they have a great heart and they’re nice, and they set out to help other people. But in most cases other people simply want to fuck them, and their nice girlfriend if possible. It’s the law of the jungle, the survival of the sicket. That’s how it is really.

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