Non classé, personal, prose

On time and breaks.

I have been confronted to some sort of a block lately. It’s not that I’m totally done for and this place will go down to pieces, but I constantly have all these ideas and it turns out I haven’t been able to formulate any of them. Not a goddamn predicate. Nothing. This situation is not really news to be honest, and I was kind of expecting it. I knew that at some point, when I’d have to adapt to some life changes, I’d have this dry period. And I feel terrible about it, mostly because the only thing I can blame but myself is Time.
Have you notice that ? How much we put the blame on time for everything ? “Oh, I’d like to see you but, I don’t really have time…”, “I’d need more time to do this or that”, “I wish I had time to repair my mistakes.” Time, whatever you do, or don’t do for that matter, you’re always the culprit. I always laugh at people that use time as an excuse, never truly realising that I’m actually one of them. And it’s a little bit sad now that I come to think of it, as I always thought that these people blaming time for the failures and missed opportunities in fact never really wanted to do those things. I remember someone I once knew often used that “oh I wish I had time to do that”, but in reality never did wish it. It was just a matter of appearances, you know? So what a shock to discover that I was not this mighty, holy, perfect figure, unequivocally better than the rest of the people around. For the past weeks I have been reading a lot, going out a lot, and getting tan; the latter not exactly working as planned just yet though, if I am to be completely truthful. And while doing that I felt a little bit shameful for I wasn’t writing anything and I was letting go – unwillingly mind you – of my ideas, that I thought to be amazing. Perhaps they were not, mostly they must have been shit; but still. But then again, if I am to continue what I am doing here, I’m not sure about how to qualify it and I fear that putting a definite word on it could restrain its whole meaning, I have to take breaks and live for a little while. It’s probably one of the things that I’ve learnt over the past year : you have to live for yourself for a bit. Most people don’t understand that until they reach their breaking point, but the fact is it can come from different things. You can simply get up in the morning and make yourself a thousand pancakes, you’ll feel better, because that’s for you. Your tummy might ache if you’re not in fit enough to do that, but otherwise you’ll love it. My point is, there is always a need for you to treat yourself, so why skip the occasion ?

But never fear, I’ll be back.

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